But of course find the right therapist for you, that is what matters! Notice how you are bending over backwards to keep him there, to verify how great he apparently is (which feels unrealistic, you don’t mention any of his bad sides, which all people have), to accommodate him. I feel as if I am truly in love and am ready for a longgggg relationship. It might mean as a child you were heavily criticised or discouraged from being independent. Codependency is learned from childhood, so can be tough to break through alone, and a counsellor can provide the warmth and support to help you move forward and recognise your own worth and your that you deserve to be fully loved without having to earn it all the time. seems like impossible. The inability to be faithful often stems from lack of self esteem. It could be abandonment, trauma, it could even be borderline personality disorder (BPD) which causes sufferers to constantly push and pull others and put you on a pedestal one moment only to knock you off. And I have never seen this as a flaw. I have people coming at me, telling me that ‘love is all you need ‘, ‘love conquers all’ or ‘age doesn’t matter’, but everything matters. There is one person who can come along and save you, and she is looking back at you in the mirror. And we get that it can feel that way. I am 35 years old male and until now I have never felt even slightest love towards someone. So on one hand, cut yourself some slack. I mean at least I thought it was love. I hate that I am like this. I want help. She still does especially with her children. In this case we’d suggest a psychotherapist over counsellor. Still Now I hate this ‘Girl’ Word. If you could gather up some of that courage and try therapy, we think you might find it really truly helpful. In summary you need support. Intimacy issues really can change, if we make the long term commitment to ourselves to heal. And the distance between us is 100km, 1 hour drive. This is more than worth a few counselling sessions, this issue. Do you trust your caregivers and family, or do you feel that you just can’t trust others? Have you considered reaching out for therapy? Should I break it off because I know I am going to be hurt. Hi there. Hang in there. I’m 35 and I’ve never been in a relationship, never had sex, or even kissed for that matter. All the best. And just feeling that they might not like the real me. In general, if you can’t be in a relationship, then there is a relating issue. But when you say ‘it never caused a problem’, all the trauma you experienced, what do you qualify as a problem? So this just adds to the idea that real, solid, love, from someone who is always there for you, will feel scary. I stopped all communications with her, everything. But until you get through your grieving you just are in a different world to it all, and that’s okay. She is willing to do everything for me, and she wants me and only me. I don’t know what to do at all. Yvonne, first of all, give yourself some credit here for having the courage to seek treatment, this is wonderful to hear. Love is about being there for each other. (yes we had some wine but we were tipsy not destroyed) I was very excited that I made it passed her bubble (fortress) The next day she states that she needs space to figure out who she is, that she always loses herself in relationships. I’m female and 26 years old. My parents are married but not once do you dont see them spend time or better yet love each other my mother is scared of loving her kids to much and my father never been the right guy for my mom.so that leaves me. Because I’m the reason this person gets up in the morning sometimes but, they aren’t my reason. We didn’t had one single fight during our time. On the other hand, what a huge amount of generalisations, assumptions, and black and white thinking we find here..first, you assume all people are that shallow, which is actually unfair to millions of people and extremely judgemental. So the question is, how kind and compassionate can you be to yourself here? You say you are terrified of someone you love leaving. Hi Adam, that’s a perspective, not a fact. I’m scared that each failed relationship has been another nail in the coffin of my hopes for a partner. And we don’t know you, but then there is also a chance this roots back further, that it has roots in family issues, parenting. The thing that sticks out here is the casual way you dismiss what happened with your father when it is massive. They’re on a whole different level. I mean one to one connections like boyfriend- girlfriend, husband wife kind. We are NOT giving you a diagnosis, that has to be done in person with someone who spends time with you, and we don’t know you. Most schools offer free to low cost counselling, and your privacy will be respected. The red flag for us here is how you say that your partner is ‘so much better than what I came from”. I guess that means I really don’t need love or actually want it and not for any of the reasons above. I, #ThankYouToMyTherapist You are presenting yourself and interacting in ways that aren’t loveable or attractive at all, whether you realise it or not. Hi there Hailey, in general we do find that young people today have a very unrealistic idea of what love is, fed by very unrealistic media representation, and place pressure on themselves to be ‘in love’ when it’s not the end all and be all of life. Sometimes we are so caught up in hating ourselves we need to push ourselves to see how much we actually do right. I’m not the type to be jealous, I’m actually a very open and forgiving person. In hindsight i now love but everytime I was next to her I just sabotaged it, I couldn’t give her space, I freaked out, I was impulsive, and I just never really acted like a man. I have asked friends about it, have been through counselling and therapy (a couple of times) and all, but to no avail. We’d ask some good questions here. Where does this pressure come from, who makes you feel you must be in love and have a girlfriend? For a long time, I’ve been brushed off in these conversations because ‘I don’t know how it feels like’, but if it makes people stupid and irational, I don’t wanna know how it feels like. I understand his axiety and try to expose him slowly with other friends to let him adjust. Sometimes that nothing scares me and I wonder if I will ever find someone i really love. A counsellor or therapist can help you get to the bottom of all that and help you learn about trust as well. Otherwise can’t really tell you how to do things over a comment, obviously, as we don’t know you. We have a lot of articles on relationships on here you can read, for example. I have tried to write about my life using Jordan Peterson’s Self Authoring and indeed I have uncovered a lot of positives. The famous author, C. S. Lewis, puts it best, “To love at all is to be vulnerable. I crave affection but I just can’t feel it. I just cant love, after sex, everything changes I feel like I get into a relation just for it. i never felt love when we were together but I felt the Hardness of being with someone you don’t love and you don’t trust. That’s a very good comment, thank you. I told her on the first day we started having a conversation that I was not looking for an one night stand, sex or a relationship. I really respect her. For example, you say ‘I did everything I could to make that person happy even when I did things I didn’t like”. Hello, So we are sure you CAN manage to have a healthy relationship if you put the work in and get the right support! Each time we give it a try, it is me who always calls it quits. Really go for it. Hi Richard, thank you, glad you enjoyed the piece! Your chances of finding love are just as high as anyone’s in our opinion. And the other way to look at it is to recognise that low self-esteem makes you more vulnerable to things like depression. But beneath it all is an almost catatonic inability to find anyone to love. Believe it or not, despite what movies and social media might force down our throats, you are very young to be in a serious relationship or know what love is. You can say for love to be developed you have to spend time with her. He was devastated of course but he decided to stay for his love and for our kid. Also, I talked to someone and they said it may be because I felt neglected as a child and I just want as much attention as possible… I don’t know. All the best, HT. Do you just feel completely confused by why you can’t have a good relationship, or not understand why it seems so easy for others when you try so hard but fail? I’m a twenty year old male and I think four or five of the aforementioned subtitles apply to me. What we do have a reasonably good definition of is a healthy relationship vs an unhealthy one. I just want to know them and as soon as I do, I just go.I do not talk to them anymore. I’m not sure what I wanted to accomplish by writing this down here, but I feel for everything that’s been written in this article. And it is really not at all psychologically positive. Like, for example, to actually be in a relationship with someone we want to be with. Keep the focus on you, on following your passions, learning how to be yourself and like yourself, and the rest will fall into place at the right moment. Hi Linda, that sounds hard. Living without real connection is a serious problem, it’s good you see that. Some people require a strong physical attraction, other people are quite happy in relationships without it. Maryam, we are sorry to hear all this. Till I met the woman I was talking about. Not to mention the barrier provided by my own hypochondriac tendencies of identifying personality disorders. Andy, thanks for sharing. Or do you just feel completely unable to trust anyone to do what they say? Put all your focus on what you love in life. I know I have anxiety and depression. Often when people want a new relationship, they either look for someone to complete them or they imagine sharing their life with someone just like them. I’ve learned this over many decades and it’s easy now to pretend. Maybe it’s not about love at all in the end, but about other things somehow? It might only take a few sessions of talking to someone who doesn’t judge you and you can share all these hurts with to start to feel like yourself again. Twenty is actually very young to even be aware of all the things you are speaking of. Stop worrying about fitting into some pattern of when you are supposed to fall into ‘love’. Like, I can feel how much they love me, it can be compared with obsession. So yes, give yourself a break. They were all playing together and we were kicking back at a water park and I was like you know this really make sense The next day I asked her out to dinner. I do love God and I have learned that relationships are everything, so I have resolved to improve in that era of my life. 9 Reasons Why. Consider the following points before setting out to find a partner. I have just come out of the last one of these, where I was dating someone I thought I had a real connection and chance with, but they became distant (after 3 weeks and 2 days!) We can’t really say. We question, reject, question, get upset, reject. Hence the pain is so big that we claim we want ‘nothing to do with love’ and ‘to feel nothing’. Hope that helps. When we approach all interactions with others with the idea we are looking for love we end up struggling to be ourselves, stressing ourselves out, or, worse, rushing into things that aren’t right for us. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/authentic-relationships.htm Otherwise, it sounds like you’ve found a nice person who it might be worth getting to know. Our best advice is, stop stressing about love. If you really don’t want to get them involved (understandable) and are working, google search for low cost or reduced therapy. I will turn 23 this year and it seems like I have not really felt romantic love for anyone before even though I long for loving someone that way more than anything. The more time passes, the more obvious it gets that something is up and I am glad I am not the only one experiencing this. It sounds like you listen to your own limits, know yourself, and are surrounded by supportive friends and family, aka, are in a good situation mentally. Gary, we appreciate that you put the smile, but surely that’s got to hurt. You have to put yourself first. This type of bullshit is from watching too many movies and sob stories. So don’t expect to immediately ‘like’ your therapist. So all of this will come from your childhood. You say there no way out. See if your school has a counsellor, or read our article on how to talk to your parents about needing help to get counselling bit.ly/talktoparents. Hi I’m marinette 17 and I found someone that could be the one but then he just said I’m sorry but this isn’t gonna work out and for me he was the perfect guy and I was broken hearted and I felt like I could never love again time passed and after 2yrs I still haven’t gotten over him ik im still pretty young to date but I just rlly loved or I think maybe still love him so then I met this other dude he was nice sweet and just a great guy so I started to get feelings but then my feeling just dropped and has happened with every single guy I have incounterd with and sometimes I would get feelings back but like I said the feelings just dropped and I feel like self doubt Is blocking my emotions and I have gotten help from counseling but I feel like it just hasn’t worked what could be the problem to my situation? But you are going to need proper support, and you are going to have to commit to some serious inner work. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Do you realise this is NOT love? It doesn’t fall out of the sky and blind us (that would be lust). Or see if there is a school counsellor who can help, if that feels a good option for you. Hi Clyde. I feel bad for the men in my life that try really hard to get past my walls. If you find you feel low or unable to change, consider talking to a counsellor. You don’t have to be sad to go to therapy, it helps us just to have breakthroughs, too. Hello. 1 found out in a very similar way that I did). Is it possible? And there are tons of highs and lows and disappointments along the way. I feel like I become obsessed and when I become attached, I have the most difficulty leaving them. Thank you for sharing. I was feckless and unable to put down any roots, moving from place to place, job to job. There might be a link there. . He wants all my attention, my time, for me to quit my job, not meet any of my guy friends ever, not even read any of the books that I’m so fond of, that I just sit at home and cook food for him and look after him. Now by not being able to love my Boyfriend I Do cry Everyday Keeping my hand in my Heart !! I have had crushes and I might first be really attracted to somebody but then it juat dissapears. But here’s the thing. Hello! If it doesn’t feel right, then why push yourself? I’m a 35yr old male, and have been single for over 12yrs, even though I’ve been actively looking for a relationship that whole time. I always feel like I need more and I can never seem to get past the rare interaction phase let alone have any friends. So don’t worry if it is or isn’t love. Especially so when we do indeed live in a society where men are expected to be tough and non-emotional. Of course, Pornography has filled the gap and I am equally as obsessive. It leads far too many young people, who are entirely healthy and normal, to think they are flawed, or even push themselves to date or have sex way before they are ready for it. What you need is a therapist you can trust who uses a form of therapy that would actually help. After 1 month of texting for hours each day we decided to date. It’s nothing to do with being defective, you just don’t like her that way. The Love Calculator is an affective way to get an impression of what the chances are on a relationship between two people. I’m 24. Even when I am walking on the street I become nervous if someone was walking near me. Now write out (purge) all of the reasons why you can't have that relationship you just beautifully described. When I was younger, during adolescence more specifically, I used to think that love was something stupid and at certain point I had wanted to prove that people could live without love. And the first step would be accepting that maybe, just maybe, it’s not that all the women in the world are horrible beasts like you said in the part we edited out. However, I didn’t know, and I couldn’t feel it back. Hope that helps. What if psychology and science shows that it can take some time before we understand who we love and what a big love is? he said he didn’t love me and that if he ever decides to get married wants to get married to someone from his city. There is a lot of negative stuff about it on the internet, best ignored, it’s actually a trauma-based condition, it arises from going through childhood abuse. And that’s actually not weird at all. There have always been several people who liked me and whom I have gotten along with, but it just never clicked. To let a man in and have them accept my past and my problems? To feel some kind of deeper connection than what I have with family or friends, but I already know my behavior if I ever find myself in such situation. These type of women that are like this today will only want the very best of all and will never settle for less either unfortunately. We think a healing shift is entirely possible with the right support. After writing your dream, reread it and see where you've slipped in negative beliefs, such as, "My partner doesn't cheat" and "We don't doubt each other." So I decided that if everyone is going to look past me, I’m going to look past them. If you are happy with your life then no problem. But I think I am too afraid to get attached to people romantically.I know something is wrong with me.I do not want to depend on others. You are getting to know who you are over pretending to be in love just for the sake of ‘fitting in’. We never discussed it at that time. I liked my friend so I spent my time with them. People with fear of intimacy tend to do just fine with people they don’t see as a threat and can ‘control’their feelings around, but develop destructive patterns if they feel feelings of love which feel out of control. I’m not sure any of these apply to me. Yes, love is some big strange inexplicable things in some ways, in other ways there is something so necessary about it we just can’t overlook it. MOST PEOPLE are confused and scared about relationships at 24. Or are you secretly doing these things with the hope of finding a partner? In astrology the water signs stand for the emotions: Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces. This is simply lust and romantic ‘love’, not real lasting love. We hope that helps. In summary, it’s okay to doubt, to feel terrified nobody will ever love you…. Trisha, 30 is still very young! ), https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/mindfulness-help-guide.htm, https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/authentic-relationships.htm, https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/why-you-cant-fall-in-love.htm, https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/attachment-styles.htm, https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/addicted-to-love.htm, https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/i-want-to-fall-in-love-how-to.htm, https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/how-to-handle-rejection.htm, https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/healthy-relationships-help-guide.htm. But i dont feel like i love him. Build your confidence and inner happiness, and this will attract the right people towards you more than any worry or feeling you must turn a good friend into a girlfriend. So cut yourself some slack here, this is probably you doing your best to get by in a life that has been overwhelming, are we right? And some of us, when we experience something that enormous and hard and overwhelming, we just shut off. It’s an interesting question…. Like in all aspects. We do it to protect ourselves from the huge amounts of pain and fury and sadness waiting inside. We’d highly suggest you reach out for help. Hi Mark, we don’t know you. ihave tryed for years to findlove still havent foundbut ihad sezures and aspergers and iam happy just keep trying i gruess it will happen when it happens ayy, i’m not man enough… i get the, “sorry but you’re not good enogh for me” smile. We’d ask, are you really happy? All good questions to ask. I have none. I’m always worried that they’ll leave one day and that they don’t like me at all. The only instinct we’d share is that sometimes, if we want something too much, if it becomes an all consuming thing, or even obsession, we can tend to choke things, and lose sight of ourselves.Think of someone who really, really wants a job. Read our article on talk therapies that do wonders for helping us connect to others http://bit.ly/findlovetherapy. The inability to feel, empathize, bond, and love probably results from all five other psychological wounds. We had the same interests, shared the same quirks and quirky sense of humor, and loved each other’s company. Do i love him or not? Do you date liars? It doesn't. first of all English isn’t my first language so sorry for the mistakes. For a past few days i am feeling like this.There is nothing wrong between us, He loves me Deeply , Cares for me alot. This involved a male mental health professional, not a parent. Today unfortunately most women want men with a full head of hair, very excellent shape, very good looking, has a great career making a lot of money, his own home, and drive a very expensive car as well. It’s not even a week and I’m anxious. You’d be amazed at how many young people contact us really worried there is something wrong with them as they have never been in love. And it can be better to just focus on relating in general. We hope you can find the courage to consider it. Often that’s because it’s turned out there’s actually something about her personality that I don’t like, so that’s fair. Look for one with real experience with intimacy and relating issues. If you want to do research, learn what real relationships look like — you can start with our relationship guide http://bit.ly/HTrelationshipguide and also our article on authentic relationships https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/authentic-relationships.htm. Surely, if the statement “I am lovable and attractive” is true, *one* woman would have shown interest in me by now? Do you know him enough to see and accept his? It can feel far easier to decide instead that everyone is bad and awful and that is the problem, not that we got hurt, or upset. Therapy is at heart a relationship, so it can also take a few tries to get that therapist you feel a big click with. On the other hand, some people are not naturally unromantic or naturally not interested in relationships, but have shut down due to trauma. And I don’t have any of the issues above. Making others ‘perfect’ and ‘innocent’ then means we fall even further away from being worthy of them. Not that it’s easy, but that it’s possible. Lately, i mean by lately : last week, I found that he is a very bad guy, he was harassing young girls for so long of time of his life. How do I know if I really want this and if she might be the one? My best friend is who I level out emotionally. We become walking zombies who occasionally freak out. To my first Therapist, #ThankYouToMyTherapist My Grandmother Died When I Was 5, Didn’t Care Didn’t Cry. This can happen, for example, if we grew up in a household where the parent we loved was randomly angry with us or even hit us, abused us, or punished us. How can you look beyond your head and the logic of ‘kids same age, same background’ and listen to your own needs here? Went into my mid-30s with nothing but rejection under my belt. Of course everyone is letting you down. By my nature people easily fall for me, since I was very young. I’m patient, I’m calm, I’m quiet and reserved and I’m naturally a cold person. Don’t judge yourself for it. Although I have many woman friends, the reality is that I will never experience intimacy. Somewhere along the way you learned you have to ‘earn’ love, that you don’t deserve it just as you are. She wants me and him. So, I avoid being intimate with anyone. Love comes from actually knowing someone and living through experiences with them. I´ve been in a few serious relationships but I have always been the one ending it cause my feelings weren´t there anymore. and do the hard work of stepping forward and being vulnerable and trying new ways of being and relating, with a counsellor who can help them keep on track. Well Daniel keeping on trying is good! Interesting article!. Perhaps all that bullying has given you a strong fear of rejection. I couldn’t match his personality or his thoughts and his way of think. Do consider counselling. By dating asexual men, she got to stay doe-eyed and victimized. 1. I no longer have a desire to be in love (for me it is a fallacy), though I do miss the companionship of coming to home to my best friend, I miss being intimate, I miss my old friendships that she was able to sabotage – the list goes on. I have a teacher in my life that I still talk to even now when I’m not her student anymore. I think this experience could have caused my missing feelings of love as I swear to myself after I left my best friend, that I would never ever led anyone else put those chains on me again. Growing up i never seen that love , from my mother and father i grew up in an abusive home. I still remember the first time we kissed, I had butterflies in my stomach and electricity through my entire body, Many years and many relationships later I´ve never found that spark again, and I´m afraid I never will.
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